An Introduction to Conservianity
by Jayson X
July 4, 2013
Conservianity \kən-sûrvʹē-ănʹə-tē\ is the religion of many 21st century Americans. These people are called Conservatians \kən-sûrvʹə-chənz\, although perhaps none of them know it. The following are some of the dogmas of Conservianity.
- Everything the Bible teaches is true, even the parts that disagree with the consensus of modern scientists and historians.
- The rich deserve their wealth, and the poor deserve their poverty.
- The United States is always on the right side of every war.
- The United States has the right to attack any nation or change any foreign government.
- True democracy is evil.
- The separation of religion and government is evil when the religion is Conservianity.
- It is good that some people are very rich and many more people are very poor.
- Laissez Faire Capitalism is the best economic system.
- The Second Amendment in the United States Bill of Rights is the most important amendment. The other amendments don’t matter much.
- Everyone (with the possible exception of the Jews) must worship Jesus of Nazareth.
- The United States is the holiest nation in history, and Israel is a holy nation too. Therefore, the United States must support Israel no matter what.
- Raising taxes is always bad, and lowering taxes is always good.
- Government exists to help the rich. It does not exist to help the poor.
- The less the government helps the poor, the better.
- It is good to destroy the environment, if doing so makes rich Americans richer.
- The vast majority (if not all) abortions should be illegal.
- Same-sex marriage should be illegal.
- Flag burning should be illegal.
- Consuming marijuana should be illegal.
- Euthanasia should be illegal.
- Anyone who criticizes any of these dogmas is a Communist.
- Socialism is evil, and Communism is very evil.