An Introduction to Conservianity

by Jayson X

July 4, 2013

Conservianity \kən-sûrvʹē-ănʹə-tē\ is the religion of many 21^st century Americans. These people are called Conservatians \kən-sûrvʹə-chənz\, although perhaps none of them know it. The following are some of the dogmas of Conservianity.

1. Everything the Bible teaches is true, even the parts that disagree with the consensus of modern scientists and historians.

2. The rich deserve their wealth, and the poor deserve their poverty.

3. The United States is always on the right side of every war.

4. The United States has the right to attack any nation or change any foreign government.

5. True democracy is evil.

6. The separation of religion and government is evil when the religion is Conservianity.

7. It is good that some people are very rich and many more people are very poor.

8. Laissez Faire Capitalism is the best economic system.

9. The Second Amendment in the United States Bill of Rights is the most important amendment. The other amendments don’t matter much.

10. Everyone (with the possible exception of the Jews) must worship Jesus of Nazareth.

11. The United States is the holiest nation in history, and Israel is a holy nation too. Therefore, the United States must support Israel no matter what.

12. Raising taxes is always bad, and lowering taxes is always good.

13. Government exists to help the rich. It does not exist to help the poor.

14. The less the government helps the poor, the better.

15. It is good to destroy the environment, if doing so makes rich Americans richer.

16. The vast majority (if not all) abortions should be illegal.

17. Same-sex marriage should be illegal.

18. Flag burning should be illegal.

19. Consuming marijuana should be illegal.

20. Euthanasia should be illegal.

21. Anyone who criticizes any of these dogmas is a Communist.

22. Socialism is evil, and Communism is very evil.