“Don’t Elect Fundamentalist Christians”
August 14, 2015
John David Smith was raised to believe
that the Bible is inerrant.
Either literally or figuratively,
everything it says is true.
Of course, it takes a good preacher
to help people understand those truths,
and John David Smith listened attentively
to every good preacher that he could.
From them he learned that Jesus
will remove all true Christians from Earth
in an event known as the Rapture.
These lucky people will be rewarded in Heaven,
while missing the Tribulation.
Back on Earth,
the Antichrist will come to power
and will make a covenant with Israel for seven years.
This seven-year period will be the Tribulation,
during which there will be
terrible wars, famines, plagues, and natural disasters,
(Who is love)
will be pouring out His wrath against human sin.
About halfway through the Tribulation,
the Antichrist will break the covenant with Israel
and make war against it.
He will even set up an image of himself
to be worshiped in the rebuilt Jerusalem temple.
The Tribulation will end with the Antichrist
launching a final attack on Jerusalem,
which will culminate in the Battle of Armageddon.
Then Jesus will return,
after being absent for thousands of years,
destroy the Antichrist and his armies,
cast them into the Lake of Fire,
and bind Satan for 1,000 years in some abyss.
During that 1,000 years,
Jesus will directly rule Earth,
and life will be very good there.
After that reign of peace,
Satan will be released, defeated again,
and cast permanently into the Lake of Fire.
Then Jesus will resurrect all dead people,
eternally damn all evil humans and angels,
perfect the universe,
and establish the New Jerusalem as the eternal dwelling place
of all true Christians.
There will be no more sin, sorrow, or death on Earth.
John David Smith was not bothered
when there was trouble in the Middle East;
he was excited
because the Middle East would have to be in great turmoil
before Jesus would came back.
John David Smith was also excited
that Israel was founded again in 1948
because Israel had to exist before Jesus would come back.
And he rejoiced that Israel developed a nuclear bomb in 1966
because nuclear bombs would help make terrible wars.
The constant fighting between the Israelis and the Arabs
was a source of joy too,
because the Tribulation wouldn’t happen
if the Middle East remained peaceful.
Another reason that it was good
that Israel kept stealing land from its Arab neighbors
is that, according to the Bible,
God gave Israel the land
from the Nile River,
which is in modern Egypt,
to the Euphrates River,
which is in modern Iraq.
Thus, for the Bible to be true,
Israel would have to keep growing
until it reached those proportions.
Birth-control was evil because it showed a lack of trust in God,
who provided for all babies
(except for when He didn’t).
Banning birth-control was also good
because it caused overpopulation,
and overpopulation was good
because it caused wars and famines.
Stopping Global Warming—
more accurately called Climate Change—
was not a concern,
because Climate Change would cause drought
and drought would cause wars and famines.
It even seemed like a natural disaster!
Climate Change might cause plagues too.
Thus, Climate Change was like
one-stop End-Times shopping—
a single source for wars, famines, plagues, and natural disasters.
There was no need to worry about such problems.
Once humanity destroyed the Earth,
God would fix it
and make it even better.
John David Smith was elected president of the United States.
Besides hindering birth-control and the fight against Climate Change,
he encouraged Israel to replace
the Dome of the Rock with a new Jewish temple.
President Smith secretly rejoiced that
a billion Muslims angrily wanted revenge
for the destruction of their revered mosque,
because that would probably bring the Tribulation.
Besides, the temple had to exist
to fulfill End-Times prophecy.
To make a long story short,
a terrible war did happen.
Fundamentalist Christians and Fundamentalist Jews
fought against Fundamentalist Muslims
over a tiny desert land.
All cities in Israel were nuked,
along with many other cities around Earth.
A nuclear winter,
followed by a nuclear summer,
killed countless people, animals, and plants.
From a secure underground location,
President Smith surveyed the damage.
He was one of only a few thousand humans to survive.
There, he waited and waited and waited.
John David Smith died of old age,
never understanding why
the Rapture didn’t happen
and Jesus didn’t return.